Spiritual Journey Part 1

I've thought about sharing my spiritual journey before, but I guess it wasn't time; if it was, I would have done it.  So why now?  The core answer is because the source of who I am chooses for me to do so, and I've learned not to argue with the source. I'm sure I'll speak more about that at some point.  The tangible reason is that I have a lot to say and no one to say it to. Even though I write "Divinespirations," it only reveals specifically chosen thoughts. The 1% of thoughts that have been filtered and polished and made to hear.  Virtually no one, maybe one or two, hears the inside thoughts.  The thoughts that lead up to the polished and filtered thoughts.  As I write this, I feel an enormous relief and lots of emotion, over finally sharing all that leads up to that 1%.

Don't believe anything I say  - find out for yourself.  If my words lead you to open a door of your own awareness, great, but don't take my word for anything.  Nothing.  Because if you believe me or anyone, you are still trapped in the illusion. 

Awakening is not at all what it seems to be. It's not easy and not for anyone who is not ready to give up their lives. I don't mean the physical life, either (although I'm sure that can be the case). I am talking about giving up all their perceptions and beliefs about life. You still have a body, you still breathe and wake up each morning, but you don't have the same references for reality.  And for a time, maybe forever, you don't have any references for reality, because reality is not real.  How do you live with a body, in a world that is not real, and also in a body that is not real? How do you live - wide awake?  Awakening is only a small piece of the journey.  What you do after you wake up is the real journey. 

No one talks about this...  or if they do, it is convoluted and confusing.  It's not in plain language.  Maybe that is because language also changes into something other...  Or, the few who do speak about awakening, speak from lives that were dis-associated from the mainstream (whatever that is) - they didn't have children, or mortgages or any "real life" experiences.  Who is going to speak up and say something that means anything about waking up in "real life" that isn't real at all?   I suppose in my version of this vast and limitless illusion, it is me.  Maybe that is just my ego playing tricks on me, and of course I know it is.  Nonetheless, this seems like a fun experience.  Wow, those filters in sharing those inner thoughts are dissolving rather quickly and this feels really good. 

It's not easy to exit the Matrix; even after you "get out" you find that you are still in - you just know that you are.  You are awake in the dream.  You know you are dreaming, but there is no "tech support" to get you out.  I've been searching for the truth for decades; in every way imaginable.  For the earlier part of my life, it was in books.  I read everything that I could get my hands on.  There were clues; not sure if I understood all of them, but they were there.  The truth is, the past doesn't interest me any more.  It is just a bunch of stories I made up; I'm not even sure if my memories of the stories constantly changes the stories.  Or rather, that my present experience doesn't download a different memory of the past and I just think that it is a consistent memory.  So, I will share things about the past when relevant, but I don't necessarily believe that the past really exists as I remember it or really exists at all, for that matter. 

Having said all that, you could say that I have been on this journey of awakening since I was 12 and trying to make sense of a world that didn't make sense to me. You might also say that I had many "awakening experiences" - many of which I thought "were it!"  I was Awake!!!  I would have days and maybe weeks of bliss and joy - and clarity, but it never lasted.  So I was back on the trail for the "real thing."  That's funny - the Real Awakening!  I can see now, that I was awakening, but I was still believing the dream - and so I was not awake.  Honestly, I don't know if I'm awake now.  Don't believe anyone who says that they are awake, because they can't possibly know.  The dream is that deceptive.  It can trick you into believing that you are awake so you stop "trying to wake up."  Laugh out loud!  What I now define as "awake" is seeing the illusion, and even knowing yourself to be that illusion.  It has nothing to do with bliss, joy or love - damn, I really thought it did!  It doesn't exclude these things but they are a choice rather than a prerequisite.  If you know what I mean.  You can go to the theater and enjoy the show or go to the theater and not enjoy it at all.  It's all your choice.  So, if you think that waking up will bring you ecstasy, and that is why you want it, think again.  Having said that, you can experience bliss, joy, love and ecstasy from the awakened state. If you are really clear, which may take some adjusting time, as it did for me, you can add those things on. 

I was quite desperate to uncover the truth.  By 2008, I was willing to do almost anything to get to the bottom of the truth.  So I did something I literally told myself I would never do.  I went to the jungle and I drank the juice (it is more like bitter juice than tea).  In terms of the Matrix metaphor, I took the red pill.  After 4 days and 4 nights in the Amazon jungle, I was more lost in the illusion than ever before.  I now see that the illusion had to work itself out through me, and I through it.  So instead of just waking me up, as it could (I was not ready), it dragged me to the muck and mud of my own mind. In those 4 days and nights, I experienced extreme fear, horror, and terror - and learned the distinction between all three (I now consider that a huge gift and privilege in disguise).  I learned how to navigate my own mind and find my way out of the freak show, that I had unconsciously and unknowingly created for myself (this intense process in the dark taught me how to do it back in my life, and became my rope to salvation). I journaled during this time in the Amazon for many hours a day because I wanted to remember every nuance; maybe one day I will share those writings. At the end of that time, I was more shell shocked than awake. I can now see that I had to experience the illusion full on in order to understand it and break free of it.  I came back from that adventure unraveled, dissociated and confused.  I didn't know it then, but that was probably the first step in what was to come.

The time between 2008 and 2010, I call the Humbling.  Many things occurred in this time period that invited me to a feeling of invincibility and at the same time, many things occurred that made me feel weak and insecure.  I didn't know it but I was being chiseled, as Michael Angelo chiseled his statues to reveal the beauty that was already inside, life was chiseling me.  It was a divine combination of grace and mess.  The Graceful Mess - that's a good book title.  At this time, I was more determined that ever to wake up!  I believe that the purpose of discomfort is divinely designed to wake you up.  It's interesting though, because at the same time, the forces designed to awaken you are also the same forces that are keeping you asleep.  There is this push and pull thing that goes on simultaneously. I should also mention that I have found that when we are happy and peaceful, very often we are the most asleep.  There is no desire to awaken from an awesome dream.  It is only when the dream  gets awful, that we desire to awaken.  The trick is to have as much desire to awaken when you are happy and blissful as when you are miserable and depressed.  Or don't - it matters not.  But if you have gotten this far in the reading, I imagine that you desire to awaken.  Anyway....back to the "story."

Many things occurred in this 2 year time period - some wonderful, some awful - all perfect.  I can see now, that they all prepared me for what I call the "Revealing."  In one perfect instant, the whole curtain came down.  I had many glimpses before this moment, but this was the moment I had been waiting for. Reality collapsed.  The illusion was seen through.  Nothing was left.  I was completely alone.  Alone.  But I wasn't scared as I had been in the jungle years before.  It was more of, "Wow, so this is it.'  This is it.  This is all it is.  It's nothing.  There's no one. No band celebrating,  No seas parting.  No hand coming down from the sky. Nothing. And no one to even celebrate with, if I wanted to...  It was so clear, that even my mind could not argue with it.  It was so obvious that everything dissolved into it.  This was it.  This is what I had  been searching for my whole life.  I didn't know that it would devour the very thing that was doing the searching?  Now I sound like those convoluted and confusing spiritual philosophers.  This is something that is hard to put into words.  No words describe it, yet, I will do my best now to tell you exactly what I experienced. 

In that single moment, reality dissolved.  Nothing was solid.  I could see things as if they were solid, but I knew they weren't.  The person that I was with at that moment became unreal - like a doll, like caricature.  I could clearly see that he was not real.  My desire to share such an amazing experience with him also dissolved because I realized that I would be sharing it with no one.  He wasn't real.  I looked around.  Nothing was real.  I tested it.  Still, nothing was real.  I could find nothing that was tangible.  This is the first time that I am talking about this.  Again, I wasn't frightened.  I think if this moment happens prematurely, it can be extremely frightening and might be the cause of much schizophrenia and other mental illness.  If nothing is real, there is nothing to hold on to, and nowhere to find comfort.  Evidently, I was ready because I wasn't scared.  I was shocked, but at the same time there was a sense of remembering.  A remembering that I had forgotten.  I remembered this as a child but forgot so that I could live a "normal life."  Ha!  

In this moment, I could also see that no other moments existed.  None of them.  Not a past.  Not a future, Not even parallel moments.  Only this moment!

That following morning, I was driving home completely aware that I was making up the car, the roads, the people - everything.  I was making it all up.  I didn't know what to do with it, but I was also in awe of the precise details that my mind could create.  I thought of my kids, who I love and adore, and I could see that in this moment the reality of them did not exist. When I arrived home, I found them as I expected to.  All the details from when I left until when I returned filled in, but they really didn't exist.  Nothing existed when I was not aware of it.  Nothing.  And what did exist when I was aware of it was only a projection of my own mind.  In that first moment, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that reality was no more than a projection of my own mind.  I was making it ALL Up!  I was the source of my own reality.  I was the only one.  I was all alone. The world wasn't even real.  There was no world and if there is no world, there is no world to save - well, there goes my life plan!  HA! HA!!!

The funniest part of this whole thing is that I didn't even realize that this was the Awakening!!!!  Even after this "experience" I still waited for the bliss, joy and magical powers.  I'm serious.  I can see why I missed it as the thing that I was seeking.  It didn't offer any of things that I thought it would bring.  In fact, it took everything away.  When reality dissolves, what do you have left?  Nothing.  Of course Nothing is Everything but we are not talking about that yet.  I should mention that this wasn't a single moment epiphany or experience - it lasted.  Once I got to see behind and beyond the veil, I knew the truth.

Still, now I was faced with another big dilemma; how do I live my life knowing that none of this is real? 
Go to Part 2 of Spiritual Journey - Click Here
View all Parts of Spiriutal Journy - Click Here

In grace & gratitude,
Nanice